Oh, what tangled webs those Upper East Siders weave; we can always count on ‘Gossip Girl’ to squeeze a scandal out of any special occasion, which, this week, happened to be Dorota’s shotgun wedding.

Turns out that Mommy and Daddy Dorota are the traditional types, and their plans for an impromptu visit to the Big Apple seem to necessitate some immediate (and lavish) nuptials to distract ma and pa from the fact that their little girl has been hiding her pregnancy, like any self-respecting career girl.

Dorota’s sudden need for a wedding fits in well with Chuck’s sudden need for a grand gesture to make, since he’s trying to extend an olive branch to Blair after his ‘Indecent Proposal’-esque scheming last week.

Blair, thankfully, isn’t too receptive to Chuck’s extravagant overtures, and is still understandably hurt and humiliated that Chuck tried to use her own meddling tendencies to manipulate her into bed with creepy Uncle Jack. Baby Bass obviously never got the memo that kinky bedroom mind-games are not for sharing with megalomanical family members, no matter how many Empires are at stake.

Also up to no good, as usual, is Little J. She’s had her sights set on poor, hapless Nate for some time now, and while we’d all hoped that that grating storyline had run its course last season, it seems she’s back on the prowl and determined to sabotage his burgeoning relationship with Serena at any cost.

Whether it’s stealing a kiss during Nate’s birthday Assassin game last week or intercepting Serena’s calls, Jenny’s crush has definitely mutated from doe-eyed longing back to full-on man-eater mode. I just don’t get how such a scheming diva keeps managing to snag the hottest pieces of boyflesh in NYC, especially when the girl is one application of vamp lipstick away from actually becoming one of the undead. OK, fine, I’m totally jealous. Chace Crawford and Kevin Zegers? Taylor Momsen has the best job on television right now.

Elsewhere, Lily and Rufus and their unending saga of marital issues are still being boring and repetitive.

The episode also sees the welcome return of Wallace Shawn as Cyrus Rose, who decides an entirely appropriate wedding gift for Dorota and Vanye is an apartment in Brooklyn. Suffice it to say that Eleanor Waldorf does not approve of buying apartments for “the help.”

Eleanor’s slow realization that Dorota is far more than just an employee to the Waldorf family leads to some of the episode’s most touching moments; Blair, who has been struggling to present a brave face for Dorota’s wedding by pretending all is well with Chuck, breaks down and tells her faithful henchwoman (and friend) just how royally FUBAR she and her billionaire boytoy really are.

“When I saw how happy you and Vanye are, I realized how unhappy I am,” Blair tearfully admits, stealing a moment before the wedding ceremony. “I don’t need you to be a happy couple, Miss Blair, I just need you to be happy,” Dorota tells her, and the two share a heartfelt hug. Excuse me for a second, I think I have something in my eye…

Eleanor happens to walk in on this heartwarming exchange, after thoroughly reaming Cyrus out for being overly generous with Dorota’s gift (“An apartment, are you crazy? I was thinking of a Vera Wang cake knife!”), and later admits to her hubby that she was afraid to admit just how integral a part of the family Dorota has become, because she was afraid to think that anyone else could’ve raised Blair better than she did — newsflash, Eleanor, you were never in line to win mother of the year.

The happy couple’s wedding and Dorota’s advice have finally seemed to knock some sense into Blair, and despite Chuck’s continuing attempts to brush off what happened with Jack, she’s unable to let things go this time around. “I would do anything for you, Chuck, but what if that’s wrong?” she asks him. “I never thought it was possible to love someone too much, but maybe it is. I don’t like who I’ve become with you.”

Ouch. Now, I’m all about the epic tragi-comedy that is Chuck and Blair’s romance, and usually I can let Chuck’s schemes slide, but this time around I’m on Blair’s side; it seems like Chuck is under the impression that just because he finally grew a pair and admitted he loved Blair out loud, the L word now magically entitles him to get away with murder.

We get that it was tough for the poor, emotionally battered soldier to open up, but there’s a limit to how many free passes a declaration of emotion can get you. I’m relieved to see Blair finally calling her man out — it seems like they could both use the time apart to grow up and get a little less twisted, if they actually intend to last. I just hope their latest break-up won’t have Chuck going right back to the boozing and womanizing, but I’m not holding my breath.

This week’s episode was all about the comebacks — everyone’s favorite troublemaker, Carter Baizen is also back on the scene to cause general strife and jealousy between Nate and Serena, the latter of which has been sneaking around with Carter once again, still trying to locate the elusive Dr. van der Woodsen. Serena is determined not to take no for an answer this time around, and grabs a flight right in the middle of the wedding to confront her father and force him to see her — unfortunately, daddy dearest isn’t the one who opens the door: SHOCKER, it’s Lily.

Looks like next week we’ll finally get to confront some of Serena’s uber daddy issues; she’d just better hope that while she’s away, Little J won’t play with her boy. Until next time, ‘GG’ fans.

Watch ‘The Unblairable Lightness of Being’ Episode Online

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