Serena talks on the phone with Blair, because she’s concerned about Blair. Blair says she’s fine and she’s at home, but she’s actually out getting something.

Dan has a “fan” letter from someone saying that they loved his story from an entry package from Yale. There is officially 24 hours until Jenny turns 16. Rufus announces that they have breakfast at Lily. Vanessa goes in to their house where she is mad cause Nate isn’t calling him, but Nate just then sent her a text telling Vanessa to meet somewhere.

Poppy and Serena bump into each other. Poppy just came back from Spain, saying she’s staying for 24 hours. Serena tells Poppy that she’s throwing a Sweet 16 party for a friend.

Lily, Dan, Rufus, Jenny, Eric are eating breakfast, when Chuck walks in saying he’s late for business. Then, Serena comes in with bags; squealing and saying that Serena is planning Jenny a sweet 16. However, Jenny says no and wants to keep it small. Dan suggests “board games”, Jenny thanks them and tries politely to say no. Rufus then reads something of Dan’s Yale package that says Financial Aid Status.

Serena and Eric are talking at school and Serena is troubled at why Jenny doesn’t want a party. When 3 girls of Blair’s squad thing (sorry forgot their name) talk about Penelope’s party and how they can now not pretend about missing Serena’s party …I mean Jenny’s party. Serena then calls Poppy and asks her for help about the Party.

Vanessa goes to meet Nate, but Blair is there with Nate and Blair hugs Nate. We then find Chuck in his limo saying that he sent the e-mail; Soccer was his password from 5th grade, stating Blair leaves his apartment/house every morning at the same time. Chuck “when you’re ready to do something, you know where I am” (I guess this is the business Chuck was talking about”

Chuck and Blair are talking as Blair walks to her locker (no offense but for such a great school they have really crappy lockers, wooden cupboard with keys) Chuck is talking about Blair and Nate, and Blair says they are friends. Chuck “Well, you guys never had any spark.” Blair “Don’t act like I never cared for you.” Chuck informs Blair that Nate and Vanessa are still dating. (oohhh someone is getting a little jealous)

Rufus and Lily are trying soup. Dan is asking his dad about the Yale package. Rufus says that he forgot it at Lily’s but it’s actually on the counter as “Lil” points out (what kind of nickname is that). Rufus tells Lily that Dan was denied Financial Aid at Yale. Lily offers to help. Lily proposes the idea of selling the loft and living with her. Lily tells Rufus to call an Agent.
Blair and Nate are walking in the snow (…since when was it snowing or winter?) Blair is talking Brad, Jennifer and Angelina and how Brad just ended things (love the reference) Nate says he and Vanessa will talk at dinner, Blair gets a little jealous. Nate says it’s pretty much over and he thinks Vanessa will say the same thing.

Jenny and Serena are shopping when Poppy introduces herself. Serena thanks Poppy for meeting her. Poppy convinces Serena to throw the party, saying Jenny “wants” the party. Serena takes her phone out saying the party is not cancelled.

Vanessa meets Nate at a dinner. Vanessa “if there was someone else then this would be easier” Nate “there’s no one else, just you and me”

Blair and Dorota walking down the stairs, Blair “it’s 10:30 what took him so long?” Dorota creates a scenario “girl cries, boy comforts, boy touches hair, girl touches hair” (got to love Dorota) Nate comes in and says “it’s done.” Blair hugs him. Nate says it’s late and they can hang out this weekend, when he kisses her on the forehead, Blair has a disgusted face on, saying maybe Chuck was right that they didn’t have any sparks, saying what Blair and Nate had was just “history”

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Download Gossip Girl The Ex-Files

This week’s episode deals with the aftermath of the commoners trying to hang with the elite. Little J deals with the aftermath of her attempted power grab last year and has her bag dumped out in the middle of the hallway by Blair’s minions, who promise much more where that came from. Vanessa gets in bed with Blair and ends up screwing Nate, Rufus has to tell Lily that he can’t be her safety net anymore, and Dan gets to meet the “real” Serena.

Suffice it to say, these are not happy times on the Upper East Side.

“Serena and Dan broke up. Tragic—if not entirely unprecedented.”


It’s been a week since the blackout, and it’s the first day of school. Dan and Serena haven’t seen each other since their elevator breakup, so things are understandably awkward. They try to be all grown up about it and skip to the friends part, but a new girl gets in the way. A whiny, simpering new girl who I just want to smack a little bit. I don’t know what it is about her that I hate so much; I just think she has that kind of face that just looking at it makes you want smash it with a cream pie or something.

Anyway, she reads all of the same boring crap that Dan reads, so he immediately invites her to lunch, which apparently, even this is still ostensibly high school, means that it’s a one-on-one “sorry Serena, even though we’re ‘friends,’ you can’t sit with us” kind of lunch. Serena feel understandably hurt, embarrassed and jealous. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Blair sees this and goes on the offensive. She tries to befriend Amanda in order to bond her to the “girl code” and render her unable to date a friend’s ex.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to take and Amanda invites Dan to that magical club in which 17-year-olds can drink with impunity. Of course, this ends up on Gossip Girl, creating a whole bitchy cycle between Serena and Dan that leads to a date with all three of them (?) the next night.

“Serena’s not thinking straight. She’s making this about Dan; it was the new girl who defied you.”


So the date goes predictably well. Dan and Amanda laugh like assholes and Serena gets progressively drunker and hangs on a lacrosse player. Blair’s creepy silent minions are there, as is Chuck, who is dressed like The Joker. Not the rad, Heath Ledger Joker either. Hell, not even the slightly creepy Nicholson version. He’s more like the 1960s watered-down “Pow! “Bam!” version. Point is; it’s not a good look.

Chuck’s entire purpose during this episode appears to be slinking around corners and being evil, and it suits him. He’s at the club to check up on the Dan/Serena/Amanda threesome of sadness, and came equipped with some sort of, I think, bleach mixture that he convinced the silent minions to throw onto Amanda’s hair, burning chunks of it off. I want to feel bad for her, because come on; that’s pretty cold, but she makes these horrible squeaky noises when she’s pulling out fistfuls of her hair, that it just makes me giggle.

“Did I do something, or what happened?”


So meanwhile, back in Nate and Vanessa land, it’s pretty hilarious. Okay, not really. But the part where Nate acts all flabbergasted because Vanessa left the party is. Hmm, Nate, what could you have done? Maybe whore yourself out to a 40-year-old duchess for no real reason other than protecting your social status? Maybe that rubbed her the wrong way?

In any case, Vanessa and Nate aren’t getting along, which greatly pleases the duchess. It pleases her so much in fact, that she gives Vanessa $5,000 to show her appreciation. We all know from her dealings with Chuck last season that Vanessa is too proud (aka, stupid) to take bribes from rich people, so she of course tries to return the money. When she goes to Catharine’s apartment to do so, she conveniently walks in on her and Marcus getting ready to do it. So… I guess he’s not gay after all.

“Google ‘revenge’ and you get blairwaldorf.com.”


Vanessa, being pure of heart and spirit or whatever, doesn’t know what to do with this juicy bit of information (and the accompanying camera phone pictures), so she turns to Dan. Dan wisely tells her to talk to Blair, because she’s pretty much the empress of revenge.

Vanessa takes Dan’s advice, and shares the info with a surprisingly distraught Blair. I guess even though she seemed to be pretty much over Marcus when she had her tongue down Chuck’s throat last week, she actually does have some feelings for him. Of course, being Blair, rage is the feeling that wins out, so she sets a plan in motion.

Not knowing that she needs to just stay out of Blair’s way and let things take their natural course, Vanessa gets antsy when Blair doesn’t share her plan right away. She ends up taking matters into her own hands and tells Catharine’s husband everything. This turns out to be a really bad idea, as Blair negotiated a deal with Catharine and Marcus in which they leave town and pay off all of Nate’s father’s restitution in return for her silence. So as you can guess, when the silence goes out the window, so does the money, and everyone is back where they started—except for Nate, who at the very least is no longer a hooker.

“Bow down, or bow out.”


With Blair preoccupied by Marcus’ dalliances, she kind of misses the fact that Chuck has become the puppet master who has been playing everyone in order to get Serena to reoccupy her queen status. I’m pretty sure he goes through all of this effort, which includes hiring Amanda to pretend to have a crush on Dan, just to manipulate Serena back to the top and knock Blair down a peg, thus making him more attractive to her? I’m not exactly sure what the ultimate goal is, but the result is that we end this episode with Serena back on top and it looks like we’ll get to see the S that was only hinted at last season.

Evil Serena? That’s pretty freakin’ awesome.

Download Gossip Girl The Ex-Files

Rich, beautiful, young and unrealistic… Gossip Girl is supposed to be about real teens living in the real Upper East Side with real problems and even realer wardrobes, but we’re not buying into any of that. Here are our top picks of things that happened on Gossip Girl that normally would never occur in the real New York.

Below The Unfluence

Strolling through Central Park, beautiful and invincible Nate was yearning for a high, so instead of going back home, he decided to smoke some pot right then and there… in broad daylight… with children insight! There are so many reasons why this is all shades of wrong that we don’t even have enough space to list them all.

Big Up To Brooklyn, kinda.

The Humphrey’s are the only family on Gossip Girl who live outside of Manhattan in Brooklyn (such hoodlums, those Humphrey’s are). This borough has always been misrepresented, and GG is no exception to it. The family has been said to live in Williamsburg, but whenever there is an exterior shot, the Brooklyn Bridge is always in the frame. Those brave souls who live, or have gotten lost, in Brooklyn know that there is no way this is geographically possible.

Papa, Can You Hear Me?

After Chuck stripped Blair of her chastity belt (or in this case, Chanel dress), Blair runs off to a Catholic priest to confess, even though she is not even Catholic (who does that?). If she wanted to come clean and get advice so desperately, why didn’t she just book an appointment to a shrink? There are about twenty just on her block alone and we’re pretty sure her mom goes to half of them.

Boy on Girl, Interrupted
While Dan and Serena are getting hot and heavy in his “Williamsburg” pad, Vanessa decides to pop-in and say hello through the fire escape. Wait, is this an old episode of Clarissa Explains It All? Why doesn’t she just use the door like every other New Yorker whose motive isn’t to rob you?

A Love Letter… Literally.

Allison’s mysterious lover decides that he wants to meet with her, but we guess he wasn’t in much of a hurry to do so, because he wrote this request in a letter that he mailed to her. No, not e-mail, text or instant message, but mail — as in the thing that you use stamps for, as in the thing that normal teenagers are not too familiar with.

Even Mapquest Can’t Find It

The teens go to an uppity-private high school called St. Jude’s/Constance Billard in the Upper East Side, which according to the show, is located on 719 East 82nd Street, but according to our inner-GPS, that address not only doesn’t exist, but if it did, it would be located somewhere by the East River (if not at the bottom of it floating face down).

Parental Advisory Gone Awry

When the elite crew of teens close down a club for one of their parties, no one seems to mind the fact that the party animals are underage sans adult supervision. Between Nate publicly smoking weed and a bunch of underage lushes downing bottles of vodka without the clubs’ care, we’re beginning to wonder if laws and regulations exist on the Upper East Side.

Chuck Those Clothes Into The Trash

Chuck is a bad boy with a constant need to have sex (at all times), but he is also an awful dresser who would probably never be caught dead in those ’70s-inspired turtlenecks and scarves that he wears at all times if he was a real-life playboy. Not to mention, his basketball get-up (fully equipped with tacky crowns printed all over the cap-sleeved top) puts Sporty Spice to damn near shame.

Party like it’s 1959, ya’ll!

For us, high school was a time of braces, acne, frizzy hair, terrible clothes and on occasion a whiff of bad B.O., but on Gossip Girl, high school is all about extravagant parties. From a masquerade ball to some sort of classy brunch, these pitch-perfect teens party like old-school debutantes living in a retirement home.